Wednesday was a hard day for me.
I was vomitted on. I wiped snot with my bare fingers. I cleaned poo out of the bath. I was climbed on. Sucked on. Sneezed on. I washed hands after they’d been playing in the toilet water. I said ‘no’ on repeat. I changed a million nappies and continuously wiped sweat from my brow thanks to the unbearable summer heat. I rocked, I burped, I shhhhhh’d the baby. I listened to non-stop whining and gave in to numerous requests (read: demands) to ‘cub, cub mama” (cub = come) Where to? Who knows because I was only really dragged off the couch to “uppy” a certain toddler and that’s about as far as we actually got before she was whining about something else…
One word: exhausting.
I adore my babies – one spontaneous kiss from Addi and a smile from Jules is all it takes to remind that its all worth it – but YOH! I was glad to see Addi go back to school on Thursday after nearly a full month of holiday, and trying to keep her entertained.
With little outside help, and hubby working as hard as he does to provide for us, I sometimes feel claustrophobic at home and find myself dreaming of a relaxing weekend away at a luxurious spa, pampering myself and enjoying the tranquility, ALONE (anyone keen to sponsor, here’s your chance to do a good deed?!)
But I also feel GUILTY…
GUILTY for thinking how amazing a few days away from my family would be. GUILTY for wanting to be selfish with my time. GUILTY for sometimes not being very nice when I could’ve handled a situation differently. GUILTY for sometimes having to let one kid cry while I attend to the other. GUILTY out of fear that I know I’m going to make mistakes with them. Often.
I also plead GUILTY to missing the old me. The me with confidence and excitement. The me with time and energy. The me with dreams and the me who spent quality time with my hubby.
I’m really just all ‘touched out’ at the moment. I want my body to myself. I want to be clean. I want calmness. I want to read more. Rediscover music. Write in a journal and draw. I want to sit in peace without being hit with a ball or pulled on. I want to walk between rooms without standing on lego or tripping over a doll. I want sleep!
I realise having children was a choice I made (and obviously I wouldn’t change it for the world!) but I’m just saying IT’S HARD. And as Moms, its okay to admit that sometimes, to recognise that we don’t always get it right, and most importantly to cut ourselves some slack.
I’m really trying to do that. To be kinder to myself (one of my New Years Resolutions after all!) and to enjoy this time with my little ones because I know my time with them is limited. But I also know in my heart that I need to find some time for myself. I really believe that in order to be a better mom I need to be ‘whole’ and present in all areas of my life.
And as much as I’d sometimes like to run away, as much as they sometimes make me want to scream – when it comes down to the crunch, I’d rather be a sweaty, snot-covered, pajama-clad, time-starved mom to Addi and Jules, than choose not to experience their wonder and love at all…
I mean, just look at the two of them – how do you not choose that? ♥